One day at a time.

A lot of things are going through my mind lately, and although I know it helps me to write it down and get it out, the truth is I've been avoiding my blog. I don't want to admit that I'm struggling to the world. Yes, Ryan is aware of my woes...sheesh, I complain enough to him that's for sure. But to let people know it's not all roses right after a baby is hard for me. Mainly because so many people helped me get through this pregnancy, I feel I don't have the right to complain. Plus, how can I complain when I have these four precious, healthy children?! And, this is my fourth! I should be a pro at this, right? Well, I'm realizing I'm not. Plus, when I complain I feel people will judge me, like I don't love my children or something. Certainly, that's not the case! But I will say, this has been a very difficult transition for me.

I know that some women go through a bit of depression after having a baby. I don't think I'm depressed, but I sure do have low moments. I get angry easily (most likely because I'm getting very little sleep). I'm sad...I feel that I'm not being the mom I want to be. My kids see me frustrated more than happy...at least that's what it feels like. I'm overwhelmed with all the household chores: homework, cooking, cleaning, errands, laundry (oh my, the laundry...how it adds up!) And the messes, oh the messes...toys permanently scatter the family room.

Over the weekend I folded a ton of laundry onto the dining room table...it's still sitting there in neat little piles. Yes, every time we need something I go to the dining room. "Oh, you need underwear? It's on the dinning room table". Poor Ryan has had to come down stairs in a towel after a shower to find his clothes. And, I still have two baskets waiting to be folded in the laundry room! I'll get to it...maybe.

My recovery has been on the slow side. Apparently I had a pretty good tear when I delivered Rory (what can I say, I'm good pusher). And when the doctor was getting out the placenta, the cord broke so he had to "manually" remove it...it pretty much bruised me up pretty good. I know, too much info, but it's the facts. I need to remember that I'm not going to bounce back immediately. Because, lets face it...looking in the mirror right now is just not a pleasant sight. That in itself is depressing.

I'm missing my parents too, which adds to my sadness. Yes, I know I'll be seeing them in a couple of weeks, but it just feels right when they're here.

I need to find my groove again. I need to get out of this funk.

I think now I'm going to throw my chores to the wind and make some cookies with Morgan. It's okay that my house is messy. It's okay that I have laundry on my dining room table. It's okay that I haven't brushed my teeth yet today. It's okay that I'm wearing the same the same sweats for the last week now. It's okay that I'm relying on cup after cup of coffee to get through the day. It's okay to have the TV playing movies constantly for the kids.

Bottom line...my kids are fed, dressed, safe, warm in a nice home (albeit messy one at the moment), and most importantly, they are loved...and those are the things that are important!

I'll get through this!